DFC #377

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"Tell Thel to fire up the station wagon. Ol' "Rainman", here, is countin' cards like a bitch and ready for Vegas..."Tillman

You haven't missed much...Billy still has 19, and daddy just hit again with 87...he's just not picking up on the nuances of this game...R.J.M.

In order to escape Dolly's constant bitching Bil would escape to the world of solitaire. "Gentle Queen of Spades," Bil thought "you'll never let me down."Schlomo

A typical night at the Keane home involves Bill playing with himself in front of the children.Krusty the Clown

"We're all stumped. I don't suppose you know what a five looks like?"Westur the Unspeakable

Daddy is queen high...and I don't mean cards!R.J.M.

"Well, we were gonna play Hearts, but Uncle Roy won't play any game where the worst card in the deck is the Queen of Spades."Sean Q

Bring "Diamond Bill" another complimentary scotch. He's so loaded he just hit on 20!Joe Blow

We got the tarot cards and the bonfire, so if Thel is finished smearing her naked body in goat's blood, Satan ought to be here any time.lefty (for Opie)

Leave it to the Keanes to be the one family that collects Arena Football trading cards.Opie

I don't know...dad's playing cards, but every time he draws a heart he just snorts and says, "Yeah, right." By the way, where is Mom?The Unmasked Revenger

Nero fiddled while Rome burned. Bil just played cards with his bastard spawn while the ATF agents fired incendiary bombs into the kitchen of the Branch Keanidian compound.Andrea

Sure, Billy's winning, but he isn't playing fair, you ask me--using the naked Cub Scouts card pack is a pretty cheap way to win.Hippie

The wildfires made their way up the street, cutting off our escape. Soot blackened everything, PJ was burnt to a crisp and Bil just sat there, trying to figure out what to do with the Three of Diamonds. Of course I left the fucker behind! -- It Goes on the Black Four!: The Jeffy Keane Story Raven

We've secretly replaced PJ, the youngest Keane with a baby harp seal in overalls, let's see how long it takes for them to notice...The Notorious D.F.C. (I give 'em 3 years minimum)

DFC Fun Fact #412: Bil Keane was brainwashed in the same North Korean POW camp as Raymond Shaw (cf. The Manchurian Candidate.)Gen. Sedgwick

No, we don't want to see your "Richard Simmons" impression again. We'd rather watch Dad play solitare...which should tell you something.Smokey

"It's Bil's new Keane-ochle deck. He replaced the one-eyed jacks with a one-nostriled Billy and a one-breasted Thel."Mr2001

Magic: The Gathering. To play all you need is a table, a deck of cards, and a couple of geeks who found Dungeons and Dragons too challenging.Opie

Why is it that when Bil plays Strip Solitare, *we* always lose?Myname

You know that one King who's stickin' his sword into his skull? Daddy's been starin' at it for hours!agm

Now the bets are getting interesting. Whoever loses this round is gonna get drawn in a g-string.Cadillac Man

If you guys keep foolin' around you're gonna misrupt the psychical energy fields an' Billy's gonna hafta call the fat lady at the Psychical Friends Network to get a tarot reading.Citizen Cocaine

. . . and when you LOSE, you get to jump up and down and kick things and use cusswords and say bad things about God. It's a REALLY cool game!Pete B.

"The flash cards aren't working. Get the Big Bird video!" Crazy Climber

Told ya-- Billy's not 'tarded, he's 'tistic! He can count cards just like Rain Man!Andrea

Damnit, Jeffy! PJ was thrown clear of the blast. Can't you do anything right?Seagull

Shhh, Jeffy! Billy has almost won our freedom from this endless nightmare! He doesn't want to know about pasgetti!xian, the boy with the monkey heart

I told him to play on Sunday, when the game would actually be difficult, but he can't even win with only black cards.colorblind lemon

You better get yer ass over here, Dad's putting your college fund in as the ante.John Martinuk

"I couldn't believe it either, but I guess if dogs can play poker . . ."Lloyd Dobler

"These tarot cards say you're going to die tomorrow, Jeffy. Can I have your toys?"Supergasm

Daddy just waxed the entire floor with his shirt, and now he's trying to tell Billy's fortune with the Uno deck. I think the fumes are starting to get to P.J., too.Uncle Stinky

Bil decides to let fate determine what he should do with the kids. "If the next card is a four, I will kill the kids--damn! If the next card is a four I will kill the kids--damn! If the next..."Coyote

Jeffy, check and see if the house can extend Mr Keane's credit by another $1000. Also, have a hostess show Mr. P.J. to his room. -- from Martin Scorcese's Casino 2: The Family YearsHasNoName

"OK, Queen of Cups inverted, that means that Billy's legs are going to morph in a shapeless blob of black goo. Next the Hanged Man, tells us that Jeffy will be pestered by an tiny image of PJ circling his head. Next we have..."hangtownman

It's called "Blackjack" and daddy's showing us how to play. So far he owes Billy $947 and Thel.myke

Blissfully unaware of the raging inferno in the next room, the Keanes continued to play with their Pop-Tart collection.The Dog

After the small explosion in the Meth Lab, Bil consults the tarot cards for his next move.Merlisk

Dad's playin solitaire on a mirrored coffeetable. Pretty fuckin' sad, don'cha think?zen

It's called 'furniture', and if ya pay me a dollar I'll let you touch it!Luna

It's about fucking time! We've taken almost a grand from this sorry bastard!nailhead

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