DFC #378

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"It's Christmas? Then I haven't missed it after all. All right! Goddam dream-ghosts can't touch me! Fuck you Marley and fuck the poor!" more of the Keane Family Players present: "A Dysfunctional Christmas Carol" hangtownman (with a nod to NME)

Thanks anyway, but Bil's... on vacation... again, and if I don't get his cartoons done, we don't eat.Buoy

Look if you are going to stand there and adorate me get it right! It is pronounced "Doo-chay, Doo-chay" not "Douce, Douce"!Opie

Yep, they're still out here...is the oil boiling yet?R.J.M.

Well, those are nice carols and all, but do you know any that glorify the Old Ones?Mr. ?

Oh, yeah? Well, if you think the weather outside is frightful, you should try life in here.Gen. Sedgwick

Look, I told ya the buds will be ready in three weeks. Now scram-- opening this window is screwing up my hydroponics!Andrea

"Okay, that's muruaneq! Only 113 kinds of snow left to find!"Lloyd Dobler

Mom! Bring me more methadone, I'm 'llucinating again-- the lawn ornaments came back to life!Andrea

"You failed?! Elmo, Ernest, Jack Skellington, Rudolph and his stupid elf dentist friend, and fuckin' Cindy Loo Hoo and a mute dog with a stick on his head can all save Christmas, but you failed!? I'm telling Dad!"Lloyd Dobler

In another classic Keane blunder, Bil ruined a Shakespearian moment by having Billy deliver the speech under a mirror ball with strobelights and thumping music blaring in the background. Only later did he learn that the passage did not begin with "Now is the Winter of our discotheque..." hangtownman

As Billy talked with the strange but friendly munchkins outside his window, he could see the world begin to melt from the corner of his eye. "Damn," he thought "that dextromorphanan is really kicking in."the insignificant signified

"Child labor laws are a liberal pipe dream meant to suppress self-sufficiency. Now, back to the factory, the lot of you!" -- a young Rush LimbaughStealth

To this day, I've never seen anyone do coke like Billy. He'd pour several kilos onto the windowsill, and inhale it with his mouth because he couldn't get it through his nose fast enough. He'd have so much powder in the air, we had to wear protective suits to go anywhere near him. The producers covered it up by doing only "winter" scenes -- fortunately, nobody noticed it was July. Excerpt from "White Lines in the Circle", by Jeff Keane.The Dog

... when what to my wondering eyes should appear / But three melonhead kids, and eight kegs full of beer! -- excerpt from "'Twas the Night Before Mid-Terms"Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Saaaay...you don't suppose Dad's trying to create the impression of winter, do you?"Westur the Unspeakable

"Boy, that was one heck of an ice storm last night, wasn't it, guys? Um...guys?"Westur the Unspeakable

So what if Lucy only charges 25 cents for therapy? It's not like she can prescribe anything!Riff

"I'm not even allowed to cross the STREET, let alone venture alone into your admittedly seductive anti-matter world."anon

When the Hell did we move to Southpark?!?Doc Evil

In an attempt to escape the ghosts of the slain children Bil relocates the family to Point Barrow, Alaska. Little Billy is confused. He sees nothing outside the window, and returns to the quiet solitude of the dry bar.CrazyJose

Okay! Whoever's making a portal to the 13th plane of hell outta our house, my mom said, "Cut it out!"Pgurde

"...and so you need a fourth horseman? OK, why not?"chrisx

Not good enough, Dolly...if you want to get handouts, you're gonna hafta look more abandoned.R.J.M.

That's a shitty Christmas carol! Don't you know anything by Slayer or Nine Inch Nails?Destroyer

Sorry; my Mom's medicine cabinet is empty. Come back Tuesday, after she's stocked up again, and I'll see what I can do.Cadillac Man

"Away, you miserable beggars! If I could work my will, every moron who went about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips would be boiled in is own pudding, with a stake of holly driven up his rectum... sideways!" the Keane Family Players present: "A Dysfunctional Christmas Carol"Namgubed the Merry Elf

20th century American painter Bil Keane's masterful response to Hokusai's 36 Views of Mt. Fuji. Note the bold brushstrokes combined with delicate linework, the icicles indicated only by their shadows, the unconventional circular frame. The picture includes hommages to other artists: the wrapped miniature cathedral in the background recalls both Magritte and Christo; the line of icicles along the top exactly quotes a motif of Ivan Albright's; and the small boy in the lower right refers to the animated work South Park. --From the catalogue of the 20th Century Masters touring exposition, Areopolis, 2274Horselover Fat

Sorry guys, an oxygen atmosphere would ignite me into a flaming ball of plasma and resin. Nice of you to ask, though...Dan Jones

"I wish I could come out and play, guys, but my dad's OD'd, my mom's switched to her nympho personality, and Dolly's taken some bad acid and I have to talk her down. I'm swamped."Shem

Seems like clothes and crap like that mostly, but the kid's getting a big present that's the right size and weight to be a game console. I'll grab the good stuff; you guys go check out the other houses on the street. Remember, if anyone asks you, we're the kids from the "Peanuts."me, myself, I

After losing their job with Kellogg's, Snap, Crackle and Pop are forced to sell Rice Krispy Treats door to door to support their coke habit.the dank

The crowd gathers at Preacher Billy's weekly lectures on the evils of meth abuse, beastiality, the Oedipus syndrome and psghetti stains on the carpet... from a first-hand perspective.Chris

Christmas morning, 1964: A young Billy rushes to his friends for help after finding "Santa" lying comatose in a puddle of vomit.The Dog (hey, it was worth a try...)

Dad said if you think its cold out there, try sleeping in his bed for a while.lefty

Only in Bil's codine and sambuka induced stupor would a winter scene require so much black ink.Ghotiman

The final, horrifically disturbing book in C.S. Lewis' Narnia series: The Lion, The Witch, and the Melonhead in the WindowBri-Boy

You peasants sing so sweetly! Here's a nice warm penny for each one of you!not elsie

Sometimes Keane's Schulz fixation led him to forget he and his family lived in Phoenix.Gen. Sedgwick

"Siilent Night. Hoooly night." The carolers were confused. Weren't they supposed to be singing to him?Lots42

BONK! "OW!" .... BONK! "OW!" The three kids stared, fascinated. How long till Billy figured the window was closed?Lots42

We're sorry, but your Federal Bank of Billy Keane savings account balance is now zero, due to our investment strategy of blowing it all on whores and beer.Kurt L

"No, you dumbshits, a nickel bag does NOT cost a nickel."Mauser

No, tonight is "Mr. Keane and the Wayward Cubscout"-- "Thel's Satin Paradise" is next week.Sickboy

Billy's warm breath condensed on the window, and he frantically wrote "!EM PLEH". We stared blankly, unable to comprehend. Then Bil and Thel walked in and lowered the shade. -The Boy Next Door, by Dennis MitchellSean Q

Sorry, last time I made a snowman, Dad said I was "making graven images" and beat me bloody. You have fun, though.Paul Roub

I won at the card game and I can't come out of my room for 24 hours. What a sore loser, eh?Kevy

Stop erasing our house!Seagull

"Frankincense? Myrrh? You're makin' this shit up, right? Come back with some real presents and then you can see PJ." Crazy Climber

Although Thel had chased them away numerous times, the Girl Scouts would not be denied. SOMEONE would buy their cookies. Or else.....Cadillac Man

Sorry, we're all Scientologists here. Know any "personal empowerment" carols?Smokey

In the old days drug dealers would actually make house calls.Cadillac Man

A young Will Hunting is coerced to sneak out of his foster home for a night of revelry with Chuckie and the gang.Cadillac Man

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