DFC #255

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"'Why? 'Cuz the man said PLEASE STAND BY on the tel'vision, Mommy.' Christ, do we need writers."Randall

"Oh, GOD! That Bob Barker is SUCH a piece of ass!"Tillman

Luckily, Dolly's tone-deaf rendition of "Ave Maria" was cut short as she was crushed under a torrent of "porno video" captions.alanon

Yes it's true...Dolly sleeps wearing Converse All-Stars.Lee Harvey

4 in the mornin', out of gin, Hee Haw reruns on the tube...and I'm in a dress with popcorn on it. Could hell be any worse?Paul "BR-549" Reed

One morning, as I tiptoed out of Bil's bedroom after another night of sodomistic sinfulness, I saw that redheaded harlot Dolly. She had just smoked the last of my crack, and was now uttering lewd come-ons to me. 'Whassa matter,' she asked, 'don'tcha like my booty?' The growing bulge in my gym shorts answered her question. I had no time for her, however, for I had to get down to the maternity ward to snatch an infant for that night's Satanic sacrifice.--from "Uncle" No More: How I Escaped the Keanes and Found Christ by Roy Washington Dave Matthews

Please, Daddy! Buy me a vat of lard!dALY

"Dad drew us a VCR! Thel, get the car. Jeffy, get a file to remove the serial numbers. Billy, call the Pawnshops . . . oh wait , NO! It's a Beta! Goddamn him! It's a Beta . . . ."phonsux

"What is your bidding, Lord Barney?"Apeman

Mom! A mountain range formed outside our window last night!ice-9

"Mommy, Bil got himself booked on Sally Jesse, and he's wearing a Halston!"Randall

Dolly was amazed at her drunken ingenuity; she had no recollection of moving the TV next to the toilet the night before.tundra

Since when did Dolly become mesmerized with documentaries on the storage of gasoline?Wyvern

Too late, Dolly came to the horrible realization that the television, like everything else in the household, was an out of date relic, manufactured before engineers could figure out how to safely contain the radiation. Dolly stood in the glow of the set, feeling slightly dizzy, yet oddly warm. agm

Olestra. Anal-Leakage. Infomercial. Grandma's dress. Filling in a Mad Lib the Dysfunctional Way, by Dolly KeaneGrmbrand Johnson

Yeah? Well Yog Sothith hates fundimentalists, Mr. Televangelist, so we're even!Joe Z

It took almost 100 tries, but I finally got to be QVC's live on-air caller! By the way, I hope someone in this house likes Civil War commemorative spoons...ewhac

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