Well, Nancy, Cathy and Marcy. Not regular or nothin', though, 'cause I don't want a rep. Mostly I stick with the extra's that play Jon's dates in Garfield, 'cause they don't stick around long enough to talk.Ed the Draconian Boss
...And the daddy touches the mommy, and the mommy says she has a headache, and the daddy takes out 'Mr Jitters', and the mommy says shes not in the mood, and then the daddy gets really pissed off and drinks until hes dancing naked on the roof...and thats how you make a baby!Azazael
...so you see, when Robert Johnson sang, "squueze my lemon 'til the juice runs down my leg, he wasn't talkin' about makin' lemonade, get it?ZAZu
hmmm..let's see..crew cut...dirty coveralls...beer gut..blank stare...porcine features...OK, You're hired! Welcome to Jiffy lube!zazu
next time, hold it with both hands AND against your chest. I promise you the recoil won't be a problem.zazu
That's right - keep your head tilted back at all times. If you look down, even for a second, you'll go plunging to your death.Yakko
I can even bend my pinky all the way back like this. I tell you, until this stuff wears off I'm immune to pain.Capt. Ion
... Jeffy, Billy, and Todd makes five. So you'll be the sixth boy to lose his virginity to me... seventh if you count Daddy, but that's a long story.Paul Roub
And now, using the sheer power o my massive brain, I shall levitate this effigy of Mommy. NOW do you believe in the power of the Force?sicily
...no, that's why it's called a blow job. Whoops! Here comes Mom. Ixnay on the Exsay.Bubba
See? I told you Billy beat up on Mommy again!ThreeSwords Delamitri
So then...Wait a minute. What the fuck am I doing talking to a baby?Rodney
Daddy says I'm a much better kisser than Mommy.krazyMoose
Really? This is your first time? Gosh, I'll never forget the first time I got drawn without a mouth. Stefan Jones
"Every three years, Dad moves out. Otherwise it becomes Common-law. "Speed R
. . . . and the new Thel (tm) Doll comes with either old helmet hair OR the new dyke style!phonsux
I think Bil is going for some sort of "duality in nature" thing. Us fat, deformed, freaks--the realistic part of Life, and Mom being thin and curvy represents the idealistic fantasy we all know we can't have. I mean, she doesn't give him ANY, anyway!phonsux
"Wow," thought Thel as she watched Dolly try to explain something to PJ for the thirtieth time, "that kid is really stupid."nonentity
Leisure suit or three piece suit. It doesn't matter how mom dresses you. Loser equals loser, equals LOSER! phonsux
I don't get this "pull my finger" gag. I've been pulling mine all day and nothing's happened.Tazabby
While other children had guardian angels to watch over them, the Keane children had the screeching banshee ghost of their mother...who had screwed herself into the grave during a recent mailmen's convention.Tazabby
My experiment worked! Now let's watch her try to get around without being able to reach the doorknobs or open any drawers.Tazabby
After huffing an entire bottle of Citra-Solv, Dolly found herself uncontrollably reenacting the Princess Leia hologram scene from "Star Wars," convinced PJ was projecting Thel's image from his nostril. This was, of course, just before the lobectomy. --Billy Keane, "Family Stercus"Orrin Bloquy
Now let me explain it to you again PJ; the 50's flattop, The wide lapel disco-bodysuit, and the Doc Martens, while all being cool for the time they were icons in American pop culture, do not, I must stress do not complement themselves into the embodiment of "cool".Rimbaud
"So I said to him, 'As for you, you dumb fuck, I thought I told you to get off at Great Neck!'"Still Phunny After All Deez Years
Philip Johnson? Paul Jeffery? Peter Justin? Peggy Jean? O.K. I give.Prof. Moriarity
"Thel, pay attention! This shit affects you, too. When you MANUALLY massage the prostate from the inside, use an underhanded grip."paging doctor moe, doctor larry doctor curly
When you can snatch the pebble from my hand... you will be ready to leave the circle.Prof. Moriarity
"See, usually you are the tiny character, but right here Mommy is the small one and you're almost my size. It's just a matter of perspective."sharon
See, if I had a shotgun and shot it at mommy like this, I bet could blow her ass right off the fucking horizon.Prof. Moriarity
Fits great! OK, let me get my Ronco Stud-Setter and we'll have your Elvis costume finished in time for your three o'clock with Mrs. Donatelli.Rotter
You know, it's a daily struggle for me not to grab the toilet plunger and try to cram you into a big pickle jar.Rotter
I just got it...it's the "Oh, Dear Christ, Where Did The Last 17 Years Of My Life Go?!? Barbie." Catch!Rotter
...like this, and I cocked the hammer and said "Then say goodbye to Mr. Happy!" And then Billy suddenly decided he didn't want the last fuckin' Pop-Tart!Rotter
It's called a "Gigolo." Daddy says you blow in it while you move your fingers up and down it real fast. I think it's sort of like a clarinet or a recorder.Rotter
You know that the only way to free mommy from her domestic servitude is to kill daddy, don't you?Frank
"and then the rabbi says...that's not mashed potatoes...that's shmitzel!! HAHAHAHA.kobo hyden
...and then you put your name in the fifth slot moving everybody else up one, within a week you should recieve as much as $1000... Buford T. Justice
For my brother was no ordinary mute; if he wanted a sandwhich, you would see a ghostly image of a sandwhich floating above his forehead. This was never a problem and I was alway's proud of him,...until he reached puberty.anon
Painting from Pablo Jean Keane's surreal expressionist series, "Reflections of Desire: My Sister, My Mother, My Head Mounted Backwards on a Big Sack of Potatoes."Jizmo the Wonder Horse
You think that's a bad blister, you should see the one on my clitoris.The Lawyer
Oh, so you think you're big enough to tell me 'go fuck yourself', PJ? Let's count the reasons why that's a mistake. 1) My pet 2x4, 'Mjolnir'...OM
We were all wondering, PJ. How could a one year old look exactly like George Gobel?Schickelgruber
"Then I raised my sawed-off pump shotgun, lit the bitch up like the Fourth of July and screamed out 'Family Circus Rules!'. So you and Thel can expect some reprisals from Hi and Lois' kids probably just after sunset." Yo yo Ye, We da DFC, We Bad Ass Kids, Whoop De Di
You see, females have ALL of the gentic coding available. The "Y" chromosome in men doesn't completely match the "X" chromosome, therefore males get shorted on much of the beneficial material. That's why we live longer, are nicer to look at and just plain smarter.phonsux
Y'see, when daddy does laundry, it's work. When mommy does laundry, she gets less bruises.Tech Support Viking
Ok, PJ, hold still. I'm gonna poke you in the face and see if i can "make" a mouth for you.Tony's dancing clams
"Now you didn't hear this from me, but we're actually not children, but a secret melon experiment gone horribly wrong."Jeremy Trotter
Okay, PJ, I'm gonna talk ya down...Colin
"So you see, Dr. Jones, there is nothing which you posess which I cannot take away."Cole Mitchell
"So then Dad says to the production company, "Cartoons don't need any fucking background!"Cole Mitchell
"So then this meat grinder takes my damn finger right off!"Cole Mitchell
LSD ain't a good idea, PJ. The faces of those you've wronged will float into view, and some of your limbs will disappear. My head might even look like a fucking melon! Colin
"For some reason, Bil found humor in Dolly explaining her fascist philosophy to the stoned-out-of-his-gourd PJ. And of course, Mother, stiff as a lamp, had to be inserted as the Authority Figure into it, whatever the caption.Colin
Before we leave you to die in Death Valley, 'ere, "Mother" is gonna slap ya around a bit with some oranges wrapped in a towel. Then we'll leave you for the vultures. Any of this sinking in? Colin
So, anyway, I was watching "Barney" and he said---what the fuck are we doing on the North Pole?Colin
So you grab the throat with the left hand, and stick the index finger of your right hand in the eye. A quick shift of the hips and into the air they go. And the best thing is - in this strip you don't have to worry about blood on the clothes, everythings black and white anyway.Yakko
....and besides, your penis is too small.Bil Keane - Circle Jerk
...because there's no way to take it off. Look at yourself--no zipper, no buttons, no nothing. Your clothes are on forever. That's why you're never changed.Ken
"Sshh... mustn't let her hear us... please... just loosen the ponytail a little bit... I can't take it anymore, PJ... I feel like I'm pulling 5 G's each and every excrutiating moment of my existence..."anon
"Then Dolly's voice melted away into colors, and I realised Jeffy had sold me the good shit. From: Square Peg in A Round Hole: Memoirs of P.J. "Pistol Jockey" Keane. Prof. Moriarity
You got any Tanqueray back there Conan? Hair of the dog, man! Hair of the dog! And how about some Peppermint Schnapps, Conan? Hair of the dog, man! Hair of the dog!anon
... anyway, you hold Barfy's testicles in this hand, and then you squeeze as hard as you can with this hand, and let's see what happens!- Anon. I canna take credit for this.
"Kiss her," Mommy whispered into PJ's ear, though he knew it was the evil part of his soul speaking. "Kiss her now!"Preacher/Milkman Dan
Mom's got to be hiding the Family High Motabolism somewhere, Gutboy.Schlitzie
... so Billy and Jeffy got Bil to sign last night while he was drunk, now it's up to us to get Thel's signature on the release. As soon as that's done, we can all go start working for Rod Zombie. Now that bastard can draw, let me tell you!Prof. Moriarity
The first victim of Bil's misguided attempt to improvew his art, Thel stumbled over a poorly placed "horizon line" and into the "vanishing point". It was several weeks before he could even look at his pen set again.Chowder Head
Well, you've got the posture down, but you're going to have to learn to goose-step without tipping over.Anastasia
THAT'S THE LOOK! Now go up to her and tell her the corn demands a sacrifice.Anastasia
When I grow up, I'm gonna marry Daddy, Billy is gonna marry Mommy, and you're gonna marry Jeffy! Got it?Woody
Back to the DFC Archive index