DFC #182

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Holy shit! Her hair DOES move a little!Gen. Sedgwick

I thought I knew every way to kill someone, but that was before I met little Jeffy. Having eaten a dozen raw onions, he ran to his mother's room, belched on her, then shoved her face in a box of scorpions.ThreeSwords Delamitri

So you're the bitch who's been hoarding the nostrils.Rodney

You know, this really pisses me off. I'm thirty fucking years old, and my mom grows a mustache before me.Rodney

Mommy. I'm giving you my other ear for Christmas, O.K.?Prof. Moriarity

Hey mom can I...Jesus Christ, nice tits!Sean O'Connell

Thel, wake up or you'll miss your 6 O' Clock at the VFW Hall! I got your "girl scout" outfit right here... so get up!kafka

"Well Mom, Dad's honey fetish has bothered you for the last time. You're gonna have to spring for a new ant farm, though."Jizmo the Wonder Horse

"Hey Mom, I've got a riddle for you. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Billy? One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other is nailing P.J. to the Christmas tree with his new tool set."Jizmo the Wonder Horse

Mom! Wake up! Those DFC perverts are all making Christmas captions, and you know I converted to Islam last month! Make them stop before I use this bomb to send them to Allah!OM

Remember when you were young? You shone like the sun.anon

"Do you hear it Mommy? The pillow's saying 'redrum...redrum'".anon

My God, you look like shit! Want me to crack open the new Chivas?Schlitzie

Wake up. Your Igea Hair Removal System finally arrived. Anastasia

Oh Thel, listen to the barking of the dogs. The dogs are telling you to kill Bil. Kill Bil, Thel, kill him. Listen to what the dogs tell you to do Thel.Anastasia

Jeffy tried to pull the bed back to earth, but his selfishness in keeping one hand on his christmas presents doomed his parents to a grisley death in the vacuum of space.anon

Mom, I think you got my Christmas present cause I don't think the white Power Ranger action figure uses batteries.Moi

Mom, do we have any duct tape? I managed to cram PJ into this box, but now he won't stop screaming.Mike U.

Unable to rouse Thel from her stupor by suppertime, the neglected Jeffy tried to curb his hunger pangs by nibbling on a pillow.Charlie Steinhice

Mommy, this one's yours. Can I open it and break it? I already broke all my shit.Piece of Shit Tuna

Mommy! Some burglars broke in, took a look around at what we had, and left us Christmas presents!!Ratman

Heil Hitler!Rodney

Mom, could I "get some" from you for Christmas this year?greg s.

Holy Freakin' God!!! No wonder Dad never has sex with ya anymore! Daaang...Doc Evil

Wake up mom! It's time for Billy to go to school, but none of us can reach the doornob.Frank

"I'm pretty sure its a neck... can you help me put it on before Dolly and Billy find out and steal it?"Havok

Wake up, mommy! Your package from "Good Vibrations" came!Luther Yonderboy

Don't resist Mom, it only excites him.Hugh Jass

Where are my cha-cha heels?! All I wanted were cha-cha heels! I hate Christmas and I hate you!Jeffy Davenport

"Every morning, Jeffy would wake up, wrap up whatever he found, and then attempt to wake up Mom, screaming 'Christmas! Christmas!". Of course, the real Christmas at our house was full of cigarette burns and ritual sacrifices, so you hardly can blame him."Colin

Tonight, on "Difficult Zone Playhouse," it's Night of the Malformed Limbs...Thomas Wilde

"Mom, bad news- the electrolysis didn't work."jaina solo

"Mom, you cheap bitch, the tooth fairy knows it's my tooth. It doesn't matter whose pillow its under."anon

"Perhaps the disembodied head of his mother was a bit much, but the little monster had to be taught a lesson, and the Ronald Reagan pyjamas just hadn't worked." -Bil Keane, Daddy Knows Best: Raising Melon-headed Children in a Changing World"sicily

Mom? I think it is about time that we earned the reputation that the DFC has stuck us with . . . I got some incense and an Enya CD, whaddya say?phonsux

"Yep, Dolly -- looks like it was an overdose, alright. Think we should tell Bil he's been boinking a corpse all week?"Moorlock

Better call the cops, Daddy just brained Santa with his vodka bottle.Rimbaud

Mommy, I had a bad dream, I dreamt I was a footless one-nostriled imp with a pedophile dad and a drunk mom and-OMIGOD!!!! Colin

Remember how that psychiatrist said that I'm in love with you, and that I wish Daddy were dead so I could have you all to myself? Well guess what...Edipus Rex

Ok, you're walking through the woods, and it gets quiet...very, very quiet. You feel really scared. Suddenly something starts chasing you, but you can't tell what it is. You're terrified! Only one thing will make it go away. You cry out, "I love Jeffy the most...I love Jeffy the most." C'mon now. "I'm going to get him a Rocket Ranger set...Sigmund Frood

Mom, it has been Christmas Day for EIGHTEEN HOURS. Billy and Dolly unwrapped--and sold--your stuff hours ago. If it weren't for my Oedipus complex you wouldn't be getting anything at all. Here, open this already.Rufus

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