No, mommy, you're doing it all wrong. You're supposed to use piano wire, not a scarf.Grimlock The Mighty
Dearest Mother, can you feel the melancholy chill of the winter air? Come, the light fades.Cheeno Luez
Let me make sure I have it straight. A pint of Mad Dog 20/20 for Billy, a bottle of scotch for you, Jack Daniels for Daddy, and wine coolers for Jeffy and PJ?Mo Cowan
Man, you should have seen how stiff Kitty Cat got after we left her out there all night. In fact, I think Billy's using her to replace our missing ping-pong paddle.Tazabby
I'll go...but next time I'm going to tell your boss that the particular strain of flu you suffer from is found at the bottom of a bottle of 'Wild Irish Rose'.Jojo the Spiv
By the way, I denounced you to the local politcal commissar today.Jojo the Spiv
As Thel knelt there, she suddenly realized that a)her children had the collective intelligence of an eggplant, and b) Dolly was standing there, helpless. It was then that Thel decided that some retroactive birth control would soon happen in the Keane household.The Incorrigible Welshman
...But won't Dad be easier to find once it's light? It's not like he's gonna crawl away or something.The Incorrigible Welshman
For the last time: 25 degrees in Europe is not, NOT, NOT! the same thing as 25 degrees in America! You wanna give these French bastards a reason to think we're idiots?Kurt L.
I am wired with fourteen pounds of 'plosives, which will detonate the instant you let go of the scarf. See you in heck, mommy!saint alfonso
Billy? Oh, he's been playing "Avalanche Snow Rescue" with PJ for the past couple of hours.anon
It doesn't matter how bundled up I am, I'm still too short to make it through that 18" snow drift. Pirate
This is just my opinion, but if the phone message said send canyon cunt over, then I think you might be the one they're asking for at the Elk's Convention.zazu
Oh, one more thing. Do I yell, ON THE FLOOR MUTHAFUCKAS!!" before or after I fire my Uzi in the air?zazu
As Dolly struggled in vain for one last breath, Thel considered how to prepare her carcass for dinner. Bil liked a roast with bernaise and Duchess potatoes to the side, but Jeffy and Billy did like their chops...BuzzCut
I still think you should get up off your lazy ass and go to the crack house yourself.Anastasia
Okay, let's review the plan. Disguised as a muppet, I sneak onto the set of Sesame Street with the pipe bomb in my gym bag...His Imperial Majesty
Uh, Mom, maybe it's time you started doing the wash more often. I mean, this coat still smells like urine, and if you haven't noticed, my hood and your slippers are growing mold.Bobby Knight the Fed
Why do I have to be the bait to catch the polar bear?Anastasia
I realize it's done wonders for you, but I don't think I want a 4-inch neck.Greg J
How come I hafta go outside and play every time the TV repairman comes over? And when is he ever gonna be done fixin' it, he's been coming over at least twice a day every day Daddy's at work.Greg J
Listen Mom. You can tie this fake ponytail to my head. You can call me "Dolly" when we're out in public. But sooner or later people are going to realize that I'm really Billy. And when the Child Protective Agency comes down on your ass, you're going to be very sorry you smoked away the $50 you got from selling the real Dolly on the white slave market.ferret
Bread, Milk, Cheese, Beer, Tequila, Condoms (Ribbed), Trix for Jeffy, Frosted Flakes for Billy, "Ass Boys" for Daddy, Q-Tips, and a big tub o' KY...anything else, Mommy?Toothpick Vic Vega
All the other kids are jealous. I play the sperm that actually makes it to the ovum.The Sandman
Ok I'll go, but I still don't think I'l pick up any johns in this weather!zazu
Do me a favor, wouldja? Just yank sideways on the ends of that scarf as hard as you can and put me out of my misery.MechaGumby
Mom! I'm 20 years old, I can tie my own scarf!Lyzza
Barfy wasn't too pleased when I cut them off but they do look good on top of my head.Jim
Are you about finished? I'm going out to fetch the paper, not work in a Class 6 Clean Room.Chip Head
Trust me, this will NOT prevent my gymnastics coach from engaging in "special time". She's very persistent!Vice Pope Doug
"Geez that wedgie is buried deep!"tgp
"Mommy, remember to pay the heating bill," I said. "Don't you worry your pretty little head," you said. "Just make sure you do it," I said...Scott Minkin
Mom, you idiot! The bunny tail is supposed to go on the PANTS!Don Spudleone
Ya know, sometimes filming this strip in Arizona is a royal pain in the ass.Straz
Bil destroys the DFC by putting Dolly in an outfit so goofy that 97% of all caption writers are destroyed by neural overload. Straz
I'm not Dolly, you loon, I'm Jeffy! Forget the damn scarf and pull off the giant fish that's trying to eat my entire head!Scott Minkin
It's an interesting outfit, I guess, assuming you like fifties kitsch, but don't you think the handcuffs are going to handicap me in the snowball fights?The Lawyer
Uh-oh, I gotta go to the bathroom! Hang on... OK, now I don't.Kurt L.
That's strange... feels like there's some sort of thin wire inside the *grrk* -- *thunk*Kurt L.
Uh, Mom? The scarf is nice, but I think you went overboard on the form-fitting ponytail hood...Dave the Fave
Geez, Mom! Let me put on my own scarf or the DFC people will think you're choking me! Of course, then they'd just think I was commiting suicide....DeRaptor
Whew, I must of been out there at least three hours. Can't wait to get out of these things and have some chocolate. Oh, by the way, Jeffy has his tongue glued to the mailbox. Tazabby
Remind the old bastard that I get $20.00 extra for dressing up in costumes.His Imperial Majesty
Well, this is just great. Even in a fucking hood I have a ponytail, because it's the only way anyone can distinguish me from the other melon-headed kids. Tell Dad maybe it's time I got some breasts.NC senator, Jed the Fed (D)
You do realize if I ever find out where you got this fucking hat, I'll be killing the clerk.anon
I know why daddy has hairy palms, but why do you have hairy feet? No - on second thought, don't answer that. I don't want to know.halaq
Are you sure that wilderbeasts leave home to fend for themselves on their fifth birthday?halaq
Now I wish I hadn't complained about the old uniforms.Roy
Back to the DFC Archive index