Hi, I'm running for Cartoon President, and you seem like the right kind of empty-headed trash that would be stupid enough to vote for me.Don Spudleone
"It's really simple actually. All you have to do is sign up three people under you, then each of them sign up three people and so on and so on. Listen, we're having an Amway meeting tonight, why don't you come?"The Aggie
Ok, so you learned an important lesson today, when the dude says "give me the money and I'll run up and get the dope," don't give him your damn money.DTM
Yeah! Hurts like a bitch don't it! Now gimme your candy bar, before I rip out your other kidney!Kurt L.
"Hey Mom, when did you have PJ stuffed?"Mr. Clean
Just wear your Johnny Quest t-shirt, buy her a cappuccino, and ask her, "so who's your favorite Brady?" That's all you need to score up retro, lame-ass, 70's lovin' coffee house groupies. Trust me!zazu
Look, You don't know why our noses point straight up, and *I* don't know why our noses point straight up, just cover it with your hand when it rains, and get over it!Hugh Jass
Yeah, they reached in, pulled out his still beatin' heart, and showed it to him.Roxanne LeReaux
..so you see, you've already WON the $5000 prize. We just need you to pay $50 for insurance needs to deliver your prize. Now what's your credit card number?Greg J
...and then you'll get a new family to take care of you, and all of us will get a new car!Greg J
Then after you go in the chat room, you type "HEYBABY WUT ABOUTCYBERSEX?!"anon
Hey, when Bil thinks you NEED a forehead, he'll fucking DRAW you a forehead! Don't bitch to ME about it!Bob Schmalfeldt
Swallowing the condom before we went through customs was actually just the first part...anon
Whats the point in getting a tatto if you keep it hidden?skullboy
Alright, normally I wouldn't do this , but since you are my little brother, I'll cut you a break. But if you don't pay off that debt by this time next week, you might find you're having some trouble with this new-found walking thing, if you get my drift.MechaGumby
Heyyyy, nice panel you got here, kid. Wouldn't wanna see anything *happen* to it now would ya?zazu
So, Peej -- what's with the leather shorts, buddy?zed-3d
Y'know, P.J., that haircut dramatically increases the odds that you'll grow up to be a thick-skulled, beer-guzzling frat-boy...and, shortly after that, a white supremacist who works at a gas station.zed-3d
Take my hand/ Take my whole life too/ 'Cause I can't help/ Fallin' in love with you ...Riff
Quick, PJ! Grab my hand, or this huge ass of mine is gonna topple me right out of the panel!Riff
Shake, PJ? Fuck, you can't teach this damn kid *anything*! That's it, no more doggie treats for you!Riff
So you see, it's your fault the Bad Men nailed Jesus to the cross. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?sisyphus
Look, mom needs her Diaphragm. *I* need her diaphragm. So spit it out!zazu
Your getting to be a big boy now, PJ. It's time for you to share in the abuse of the DFC. zazu
So you see, Schroedinger said that until you looked into the box, the cat was neither alive nor dead, but existed in a state in between life and death. Unfortunately, I looked in the box, and Dolly has definitely bought the farm.Capt. phealy
"That's where it hurts? Looks like your appendix to me. But don't worry. Mom and Dad say doctors are evil and God will heal you. And if he doesn't, you go to a better place."Blake
I know the black masks scare you, little buddy. But kiddie porn isn't exactly mainstream entertainment and those senators have to protect their reputations.zazu
Hey, it's a rough neighborhood. Yer just hiring me for a little security, that's all. If I hear the word extortion again, I break your legs.Diggit
Hang in there, kid. It'll all be over in 80 or 90 captions.zazu
If you pull *all* my fingers, I can blow off the roof!Kittycat
OK, I'm gonna go over this just one more time: first, you set the TV to channel 3, then you set the VCR....ferret
Okay, you've got it nice and oblong. Next, you need to run the cheese grater over it, and you'll have a head just like mine!the sandman
So you see, the end of Castro's dictatorship is NOT dependent on U.S. politics or posturing. On the contrary, we are psychologically empowering him.Rishmawy
Don't be ashamed, lots of people prefer the PC over a Mac. Rishmawy
If you keep your hands in front of you like that, it will offset the weight of the back of your head, and you'll remain standing.Hugh Jass
Hello, I'm Jeffy Keane. Damn glad to meet ya. Can I ask you a few questions about your insurance needs?Hugh Jass
I had to feed you all my acid before that policeman stopped me, just in case. So, your whole life will be forever changed -- starting, oh, in about ten minutes now ...Vice Pope Doug
Look - you can't help that you look like a stunted monkeyboy - but you don't have to SAY that in a personals ad! Just say something like "good things come in small packages".. Chicks dig that stuff!patrik
Let me tell you what we did to the other adoptees into this family....Tom
Listen punk! To me you're nothing but dog shit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dog shit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground, it can dry up and blow away in the wind, or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice and be careful where the dog shits ya.Clint Eastwood
If you don't tell me where you hid my stash, I'm gonna get my pen, draw a goddamned mouth on you, and knock your teeth into your skull.Hans
Back to the DFC Archive index