Why do you have scalpels in the silverware drawer?anon
Hey, at least I didn't hide them under my mattress.Bill Sengstacken
OK, so you'll be the dental hygienist and I'll be the disobedient patient.Paul Roub
I'm sorry, mommy. I would've never taken them to show & tell if I knew they were your last clean pair!anon
How come you let Dolly pack a gun to school, but I can't even take a steak knife?anon
"Not the anal probe!"Tim Harrod
Goddamn, mommy, you sure did cut a big hole in your face with that exacto knife!anon
Your eye and nose both resemble checkmarks. No, this isn't even remotely amusing. Just a simple observation.Jeremy Stover
I know you said never to use your needles, but it was an emergency!Craig
Ha! You call that a whip? You should see the one Dolly keeps behind her Barbie beach house!Kittycat
Don't put away the paintbrush yet! We've still got another bucket of body paint and only my top half is stripey!Kittycat
Well, it's true! There are more pen-lines in that carrot than in your entire body! Geez, don't get mad at me!Andy Ihnatko
Well, sometimes Keane just has a really early tee time, that's all. Look, don't complain to me every time you're drawn with only six penlines!Andy Ihnatko
I'm sorry, Mommy. Gramma Keane told us the only way you'd ever see a fresh vegetable was if it were next to the can opener.Andy Ihnatko
Funny how it was rotting in there for about five months before you even noticed the stench, huh?Andy Ihnatko
For the last time, Mom, I don't think PJ likes it in that drawer, and I know you should throw more than just one carrot a week in there!Andy Ihnatko
Oh, so you're gonna slice me open with a carrot, are you? Jeezus, now do you believe you need to go to the eye doctor?Andy Ihnatko
But I'm _already_ circumcised!anon
...at least I think she was blonde. I mean, she could have been a brunette.dillon
"Of course it's bent. How else was I supposed to get the third bullet out of Kennedy's head?"Paul T. Riddell
"Hey, you're the one who wore your vibrator down to a nubbin, not me."Paul T. Riddell
"Jeez, Mommy! When Daddy told Dolly to go suck a dog's ass until its head caved in, you'd have thought she wouldn't consider you as the subject."Paul T. Riddell
On second thought mom, I'll pass on the salad.anon
That's for _drilling_ teeth, you moron, I asked for the "puller!"anon
"Do *real* doctor's knives break when they hit bone?"Felix W.
Is what safe?ewhac
Oh, come on, Mom. It's not a real scalp. It's off the neighbor's dog.Blake
"Don't internalize your anger, Mom. Actuize it!""Uncle" Al
Mommy, can I have my joint back after I do my homework?Igor mehi
"So the blade twisted when I pulled it out of the old lady's ribs. What are you complaining about? You got her Social Security check, didn't you?"Paul T. Riddell
Hurry mommy, Dolly sewed PJ's butt shut and if you don't give me a knife pretty quick,there's going to be one hell of an explosion.Bluto
But we needed the batteries for our flashlight.JO'C
No, I most certainly did not take your stash. Why don't you ask that perfect daughter of yours?Roxanne LeReaux
No Mom, I've never seen 'The Marathon Man'Dave Browne
But Mommy, I *like* being a gentile!Dan
But I'm not Billy, I swear! My name is Dennis - Dennis Mitchell. I'm just visiting from the other side of the paper!Craig
No need for the knife, Mom. It's a botched attempt at a shadow, not a tumor.Trism
Stop waving that knife around! Is it any wonder we're a family of one-legged, one-armed, chinless freaks?Trism
"You call those knives. Wait here and I'll get my shit!"Supa Hex
Mom, you can't pull that "circumcision" threat on me -- we're Protestant!gail g.
Dolly's using your Zippo on the cat. Just light it off the stove.Trism
Boy you really take that "delivery in 30 minutes or it's free" deal seriously, don't you?zazu
C'mon, Mom, you shaved my ass last week!Dave Lazar
My head is a cutaway diagram of a Salad Shooter. Push the carrot into my mouth, it hits the whirling cutter/impeller, and perfect Julienne slices are shot through this chute coming out of my forehead. Go ahead...try it!Andy Ihnatko
You, all right? I learned it by watching YOU!!!Muskrat
No, that lure's for walleye, not pickerel. You really don't know shit about fishing, do you?ik
All right, Mom! Okay! Sorry about the checkmark comment! Hell, look at me! My nose and mouth look like the number 5 and my ear has the wishbone from "Operation" by Milton Bradley in it! Now put down the Ginzu!Jeremy Stover
Aw, Mommy! It's Halloween! I'm going as a UPC symbol! I thought you'd be PROUD to have such a creative son!Hugh Downs
Well, hey, if you're just gonna cut me anyway, why not start with these two hairs sticking up in the back of my head. I mean, what, I've transformed into fucking Alfalfa now? I don't get it.Dumb Guy
"Daddy bent it with pliers. He said he wished it was your neck."&
Gosh, Mrs. Bates, I just never developed a taste for motel food.Omega Wolf
How come you only clean my ears when you're mad?anon
O.K., genius, just how you gonna "make her squeal" with that ball-gag in her mouth?anon
Threaten me with that knife again, bitch, and I'll break every bone in your handYoda (DL)
This comic is boring. Can I move in with Mother Goose and Grimm?patrick
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