DFC #94

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Now this is the desk an' -- Awwwww shit...MOM! Did we forget to pay the gravity bill again this month?CedricFox

"Mom and Dolly are missing, Dad's been typing the same thing over and over again on this typerwriter, and Jeffy has been running around writing 'Redrum' with lipstick on everything he can find. You think I would be scared shitless but I lost my will to live somewhere around the middle of the Reagan administration."The Aggie

"Note, my dear Watson, the shabby condition of the ribbon, and the slightly off-kilter letter 'g'. THIS is the vile machine on which the killer... Wait! Dash it all, someone's coming! Quickly..."Scott Minkin

Dear Bill- We want $100,000 per day or we walk. AND we want our forheads back. Toothpick Vic Vega

Help me write up my next bomb threat... which sounds scarier: the CNN Studios, or Fulton County Stadium?Kurt L.

...and while I somewhat enjoy getting to use a penis now, that still doesn't change the fact that I was admitted into your hospital for a nose job ONLY...Sincerely yours, Dolly Keane.Tazabby

"...and that dent on top is from where Mommy skipped it across Daddy's head last week. It sounded like a beaver's tail slapping water."Paul T. Riddell

Wait a minute, there's a remote for this wierd device around here somewhere...Ethelred

Senator Exon sent Dad the kit for removing the f,u,c,k keys. Now you have to be real creative, but somehow PHOAQE YOO doesn't have the same visceral impact.Ethelred

I'm taking a correspondence course from the Fran Liebowitz School Of Writing. Every morning I put on my robe, put a fresh sheet of paper in the typewriter...and then go into the living room and spend the entire day smoking.Rotter

Yeah, you can use it to print words on a piece of paper, but watch what it can do to a cat!Myke

Whoops, this panel isn't dry yet. I just erased the table edge with my finger.ferret

Bought it for Bil at Sotheby's; a bargain at $520,000. It used to belong to Hemingway. Hopefully the spirit of Ernest will influence him to blow his head off, too.Keef

Let's go over this one more time so there are no mistakes. We type up the young evangelists newsletter on this and pass out some fresh copies from our old mimeograph machine at the next meeting. When the fumes start to work, you do your "channelling Jesus" routine, just like we practiced. I'll solicit a wheelbarrow full of donations.Straz

Sorry, there's no good humorists 'round here, Conan. Why don't you check with the DFC?(...yeah, sure)

This is Dad's typewriter. I know of no other device that has brought so much misery into the world.DMW

...and after they cancelled the series, Dad bought the typewriter she used on the show... I'm telling you, this Angela Lansbury obsession of his is turning creepy!Kurt L.

These new child labor laws suck but at least it's an office job.el Marko

So, last night this thing turns into a giant cockroach and tells me that I'm an agent for the CIA.Toozday

"Dad typed his Unabomber Manifesto on this after the DFC drove him over the edge."Mr. Clean

This is why those DFC Bastards get away with it. Dad wouldn't know the internet if it bit him in the ass.Yakko

Your job is to clean 40 years of Bil's finger scum off these keys.Straz

"Thel's New Price List." Look at this. She doesn't suffer from delusions of grandeur, does she?Anastasia

After we lost PJ, Mom kinda lost it. So this is Paper-Head, her imaginary child. It's freaky as hell when she tries to feed it, but we get to keep the presents she gives it, so I guess it works out.Barnaby the Fed

"I guess ultimately it was the dropped 'e' that clinched the case against him, but the fact that I snitched got the ball rolling. See ya in twenty, Dad."jp

I asked for a PC, but the only thing dad can draw is this dorky, manual typewritter.Zebra

I don't even know why he has it. The only thing he ever writes are those dumbass cartoons, and he could do those on a friggin' etch-a-sketch.polaris

Yeah, I hawked the old man's computer weeks ago and replaced it with this thing, and the only suspicion the senile bastard has is that he can't figure out how to get into Windows.MechaGumby

Hmmm..."All work and no play makes Bil a dull boy." Uh, Tommy? Would it be okay if I stayed over at your place for a couple of days?MechaGumby

Dad's working on some kind of anti-computer manifesto. This DFC thing has really wigged him out.Roy

After we got PJ's head stuck in here, all the letters look like melons.Don Spudleone

This is my magical, wish-granting typewriter. This morning I asked for a snazzy jacket.Big Poppa

Dear Mr, Keane. We regret to inform you that due to the waning popularity of "The Family Circus" we have decided not to renew your contract. This decision was necessary in order to make room for a more promising cartoonist with real talent and imagination. We wish you much success in your future endeavors. Respectfully, Cowles Syndicate...OK, looks good. You hide his nitro glycerin pills?zazu

.so, whenever anyone's writing anything it'll most likely be a "suicide note or "Penthouse Forum Letter " captions. Got that? Good. Now let's move on to "walking down the street with your buddy" homo scenario. zazu

This is where I do all the captions, an' sign all the different names, email addresses, an' URLs. I've got a 256K Frame Relay drop wired into the back, and I hacked into the router config to re-assign random IP addresses, so no one s'pects a thing. Cool, huh?Vice Pope Doug

Yah, well normally I'd help you buy lifting the table off your crushed torso and then telephone for help. But Joey, I seen you with Dolly, and you still owe me $2,500 for that smack I gave you, so instead, I think I'm going to just pound out a letter on this typewriter here asking for help and mail it to the paramedics. Capiche?Hans

Hold the typewriter so that it doesn't slide off the inclined desk while I type a note to Mr. Blackwell to submit our family as fashion don'tsMeem

Even though this is a one shot gig for you, there's a couple things you need to know. Never do a scene where you appear behind a table or something. Bil's more interested in drawing mom's tits than your legs, and the DFCers will rip you a new ass hole with missing limb jokes.Hugh Jass

Everyone jokes about perspective in Dad's cartoons, but what they don't realize is that he drew a lot of this when he was really into Dali. It's rather sublime, don't you think?Hugh Jass

Yeah, my Dad bought it last week for fifty bucks. And even it came with two America Online startup kits!Rotter

Three years and all he's managed to write is My Story by Bil Keane $24.95.zazu

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