DFC #75

Remember, write that out to 1-900-BIG-TITS. And don't forget the fucking credit card number this time, bitch!mona

While she pretended to be annoyed, Thelma actually liked having the whining children to use as a scapegoat for her never having written the great American novel. It kept her from dealing with the reality of being a no-talent baby factory.Greg J

Dear God, Please just make them all go away. I can't take it anymore! All the whining and nagging. It's driving me insane! Please just kill them all! Because if you won't I will! All I wanted was a few moments f fun and look at what you have given me. HELL! Oh, what i wouldn't give to leave this place and start my llife again as a 20 dollar whore. Oh, they live the life. Just imagine all the people that they meet. How interesting! And this time I will use birth control. i have learned from my mistakes but I don't think I can handle this life anymore. Please, please just make them go away. I beg you for everything that I have. Make them go away. Love, Thela little man from another place

The old "bourbon in the coffee pot" bit again, huh? That explains that shopping list... "20 dozen eggs, 3 boxes of pisgetti sauce, 2 lbs of Diet Molson, a box of turkey and 20 cans of toilet paper."Orion the Hunter

Should I take the bottle with me, or will this excuse note about my having to have something extracted from my rectum yesterday be enough for Miss Patterson?Bob Schmalfeldt

Mommy, PJ chewed through his muzzle again!Kim

...keep the "crack whore" caption and the ones about the shopping list. Easy on the suicide and "pull my finger" themes-we got too goddamn many. I gotta go see Craig about a new server. zazu

LISTEN WENCH! I AM ZORTON, LORD OF THE LIVING ROOM! I CLAIM THIS KITCHEN, IN THE NAME OF MYSELF! Are you getting all this? Good, maybe you won't be sold into yard slavery after all. THE FIRST OF MY PROVISIONS IS TO PILLAGE THE COOKIE JAR AND RAID THE REFRIDGERATOR. THEN I WILL . . .Lyzza

No tampons on the shopping list, Mom? HAHAHA, you post - menopausian kitchen wench!Jake

and if dad weren't such a cheap bastard you could do that on a computer.Yakko

You call that a cgi script? Ha, I've seen Craig's mom write better code than that.Yakko

"Dammit, there's no such word as goodly! It's well! You're never gonna pass the TOEFL this way..."Mister Sinister

Even if it has been your only career for the past 12 years, I don't think you should put "crack whore" on your resume.Greg J

What's this..."Dear Senator Dole; I object to all the filth on the internet. For example: I found a site with a family continually talking about incest, sadism, and melon-shaped heads..."Greg J

Mom, not even Dear Abby can help this mess!anon

hey, thats not how you spell 'suicide'SatanX

Dear Tony the Snake, I'm having trouble with all of these kids nagging me, I have enclosed 400 dollars, could you please "take care" of them for me. P.S. - try not to do it in the house, blood is a bitch to get out of linoleum floors.Lando

Hey look, P.J. already knows that you like to reach for the bottle when you're depressed.Zebra

I pay you good money to do my homework and this is when you get around to it? And it's spelled B-I-L-L-Y.Pug

The bottle, soap dispenser, your pen and my finger...Thats all the phallax symbols I can find...Dark Duke of Denver

And can you PLEASE just put, "Billy had a cold yesterday"? Last time, you wrote that I was smearing myself with goat blood and dancing naked in the woods, and I had to go see the school psychiatrist for a week.anon

Well you could be the next Erma Bombeck, but first you'd need some talent.DMW

Actually, no-talent, drunken wastrel is a perfect description for dad!zazu

Now, wench, write this down: "I, Thelma 'Thel' Keane, being of reasonably sound mind and body, hereby bequeath all of my worldly possessions to Billy Keane, my son, not to be confused with that no good louse, my husband Bil." Now sign and date it. OK, P.J., give her the bottle now.Capt. phealy

...juice, milk-real stuff-not 2 percent, a box of Macanudos, pick up my smoking jacket from the cleaners and some extra strength trojans-large. I feel lucky today!zazu

C'mon, mom, everybody knows there's no hyphen in "motherfucker."anon

No, YOU take out the fucking garbage, I'm sick of you and your Great American novel. PJ hasn't eaten a solid meal in a week and that bottle by the sink was FULL when I got up 20 minutes ago!LCC

Goddamn it ma, will you forget about your stupid shopping list & just pull my fucking finger already!Phaze

So mom...you think you can squeeze in a couple of other things on your shopping list this time instead of beer and whiskey...like say for example milk?kafka

...are on my easel, all inked up; make sure the stat house gets them by ten. Call Jerry and tell him the new licensing agreements look fine. Oh, and if Mr. Professionalism wakes up before I come back from school, just keep him the hell out of my studio.Rotter

Why are you signing Dad's name to that suicide note?DMW

...and this time don't mention the VD. The last time you wrote me an excuse, I ended up in the principal's office.DMW

"...and don't forget my Johnny Walker Black this time."The Turtle

See, that's what I mean... I knew Mom would start writing a suicide note. This is the most extreme deja vu experience I've ever had! It's as if I've seen this exact... same... panel... before...Paul Roub

As she noticed the the flash of the nuclear holocaust beginning in the distance, a calm washed over her. She realized that the suicide note wouldn't be necesary now...Hans

I love you too and don't forget I have choir practice..Huh?.. DFC?..OK. "I gotta drop off this crack at Juan's house after school, so when you come out of your tranquilizer/alcohol induced stupor, don't forget to pick up the batteries for your vibrator. And when you're penning your suicide note, there's a bunch of marines out back that need "Servicing"...and don't forget to get PJ some more Scotch 'n Ritalin. Dad can't draw for shit And I have no legs! zazu