DFC #436

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

Tom the piper's son, huh? I'd do 'em.anon

"Can we skip to the part where Tom's in the big house and Leroy makes Tom his bitch?"Eric the Black

"Christ, Dad! Does every story you tell have to involve a felony and an implied act of perversion?"Riff

The Cartoonland Gazette was well known for its hard-hitting crime journalism.hangtownman

"I knew your eyesight sucked, but do you really need glasses to read a 75-point font?"Riff

It never fails, Bil sighed to himself. No sooner do I settle down with a good book than one of the house apes comes along to pester me ... Shem

Sure, it's criminal. But so are many of the things we do for love.frenchy, the Toad Swallower

Well, I would have drawn a blood sample for cloning. Completely undetectable, and a much higher long-term ROI.ewhac

I'm not sure which is the worse message for the kids: theft or improper verb conjugation.Brandolon Hill

Hopelessly hooked on phonics, Bil ignores the pleas of his children and blows another paycheck on first-grade primers.me, myself, I

"Ran over stream and through the sticks, but not as fast as a 30.06."hangtownman

The nightly bedtime story "reading" was a constant source of embarassment to me. The large print seemingly taunting me every night as if to say "Look at your sorry ass. You're forty years old, your children are melon-headed amphetimine addicts, your undying lust for your mother made you marry a one-breasted beast of a woman, and you can't even read." But I got my revenge, oh did I ever. - Excerpt from Top of the Bell Tower with a Loaded Rifle: Look at Me now Ma! The Unauthorized Biography of Bil KeaneyoniBE@R

Dad, I know you have your own artistic style and everything, but in the book at school "Tom" is wearing pants and the pig isn't wearing nipple clamps, okay?Kal

"So the wealthy capitalists oppressed the proletariat, causing a general moral decay that ended in a socialist revolution. You're still not getting it?!? Let's start with the alphabet again..."Mr. Kontoontwon

If this story is set in Kentucky, I have a feeling that pig is in for a rather unpleasant ordeal.Cadillac Man

Is this the story where the mob boss turns out to be the pig's owner, and he cuts off both of Tom's thumbs and feeds them to the pig?Cadillac Man

"But wouldn't the authorities have been alerted by the cries of 'Oing, oing, oing'?"anon

You're doing fine daddy. These closed-head injuries just take time to heal.olfactory boy

First, after years as your daughter, I know you weren't sitting here waiting to tell me a story. Second, I can see the edge of that "Swank" peeking out from the sides, OK?Rotter

Daddy, are you almost done? You've kept the can tied up for forty minutes!Rotter

Bil never fully appreciated Dolly's "any character you can name" smoke ring artistry.Gen. Sedgwick

"That may still work with Jeffy, Daddy . . but I know for a fact that the book will 'work' even when you're not getting a handjob."Hang Lose (Self-salvaging)

"Oooh ooh ooh, turn the page! I wanna see what kind of Hell Mr. Chick's got lined up for Tom!"Hang Lose

"...so in context, my underage possession charge doesn't seem so bad, now does it?"Heath

That is, like, so old! It's been around alt.theft.livestock for weeks.Ken

I know Thel's been getting creative with her shopping lists lately, but it's all very straightforward. She wants two turkeys, some tobacco for Billy, a fur coat, some ham, and I'm not sure about the rest. Just pick up some plastic soldiers.Ken

"I think you should be more concerned with Jeffy, Jeffy, the hack cartoonist's son. He just capped two pigs with a Glok 21."Trajan

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the moral of this story is "Stop stealing my cigarettes." Nice fucking try.Smokey (back from detox)

Um, how do I say this...uh, Thel, Thel, the cartoonist's whore, is, uh, doing your boss on the second floor...Cranky Bear

"The Mother Goose Estate called and said they'd sue your pants off for this. But I told them not to bother -- a few hits of smack is all it normally takes to get your pants off."Helder

What do you mean, "it rhymes"? You're completely missing the point! Look at the harsh dissonance, the urgent meter, every line oozing with the pent-up fury of a life spent in a stifling bureaucracy!Id

Uh.. great, Dad, but I have to write a 12-page analysis of Gravity's Rainbow that's due tommorrow. My guess is you're not going to be a lot of help writing about the metaphoracal underpinnings.Coalcracker

"Uh, dad? That's my storybook. Your Hustler is in the john!"Guido

"Yeah, but the pig was asking for it."Helder

"Yeah, yeah, I get that part, but here's what's bothering me. If Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout would not take the garbage out but she'd candy the yams and spice the hams and do all that other shit, then why the fuck didn't her parents take the fucking garbage out?! They're living in the middle of a goddamn cesspool and neither one of them can get up off their fat asses and walk the fucking garbage down to the curb?! They gotta make Sarah do it? Jesus, she's got enough to do! She's cooking these lazy fucks dinner and washing up after them! Would it kill them to do that one fucking thing?! What the fuck is up with that shit?!"Pete

"Wow! Your right arm is getting really big! Mom still not putting out?"Mr. Kontoontwon

Dolly's jaw dropped, her eyes wide in shock, disbelief, and amazement. Son of a bitch, she thought. He does have eyes behind those glasses.Daniel M. Laenker

I don't know, somehow I thought the spells in the Necronomicon would be more sinister.Mr. ?

When you're done with the USA Today, could I have the sports section?Smokey(try, try again)

"Were his parents incompetent failures, too?"Helder

Look, I'm telling you for the last time, you feeble-minded glue-huffer ... Waldo isn't even in this book!tralfie

Don't mind me. I just gotta wipe this crap from the previous panel off my hands.tralfie

"Just admit it, Dad. White gangsta rap sucks."The Dork Wanderer

"Do all of these stories end with 'and then they broke open their skulls to feast on the soft pink insides?'"Trajan

"So this guy Tom Tom was your bitch in prison, right??"the dank (Immmm baaaacckkk!!)

"C'mon dad, I'm 47 years old -- read me some Danielle Steel."Helder

"C'mon, sound it out, you can do it. What sound does an 'S' make?..."Deiphage

OK, so, "Piper's son" means "crackhead", or in this case "you", and "stole a pig" refers to the theft of a police cruiser. Gee, Dad, your high school yearbook's a scream!"El Kabong

This is boring. Skip to the part where Tom Tom shoots his way through the police barricade.Judgement Night

Sometimes I pretend I'm the pig.Nethicus

All I'm saying is that while that is ONE way to go, you might want to try the personals first!The Mad Whacker

"Mom's been calling you for a half hour. Do you think your NAMPLA newsletter could wait until after dinner?"Westur the Unspeakable

"My fingers are cramping. Can't you just use a tourniquet like all the other junkies?"Westur the Unspeakable

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