DFC #424

(a cheery warmfuzzy cartoon that you can't see)

"I'm glad you got all of us these Star Trek shirts, Bil, really . . I only got beat up at school six times today, for Chrissakes!"Hang Lose

"You know, Bil, some families just buy a blender...."RDF

Morning Bil, I see that Thel's been skipping the pill again.C Plount

A spoon in the disposal? Jesus Christ, Bil, I thought you were listening to that fucking Celine Dion "Titanic" song again.Speedy the Wonder Cow

"The Aquarium just called. They wanted to know if it was too late to deliver the ransom and free Flipper."Mrs. Cabin Boy

"Hey, Dad, can I...aw jeez...Thel, get the fire extinguisher. Bil's hypnotized again."Kai Robinson

Bil froze in retrospect. I'm a big nerd with four annoying kids and a bitch for a wife. Then the banging of the disposal woke him up. There's an idea. A good idea.u arent cool

The Audobon Society's Singing Bird Clock will provide hours of enjoyment for the whole family.Westur the Unspeakable

"I told you not to waste your money on cheap knock-offs! Via-great, indeed!"Westur the Unspeakable

"Hey, dad? What's tall, fat, ugly, wears a sweatshirt and glasses, and looks like an ostrich?"E.Novak

“Whatever you do, don’t touch the jar in the fridge with the human heart. I got a $42 g bid from an HMO in Michigan.”Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

The smell of stalled electric motors. Metallic clanking and chewing. A deep, dangerous, cold hole filled with food waste. Suddenly, through the fog, Bil’s long forgotten memories of his first date with Thel came crashing back.Frenchy, the Toad Swallower

Well, that explains why the telephone just shredded Dolly.Markle

Dang! Been buying Don Martin's leftover sound effects again, haven't you?Doc Evil

"Isn't that the same outfit mom was wearing yesterday?"Helder

You know how you never see the Peanuts parents? Well, there's a reason for that, dickhead.SlappyJack

Barfy fit, Bil thought, I'm sure I could squeeze...ah, but that head! That big fucking head.Torc.

Damn. How do you keep getting out of that straight-jacket?VitaminTom

Bil froze. Though he had finally summoned the courage to dispose of Grandpa's brain, it still spoke to him . . and he suddenly knew what to do with Jeffy . . Hang Lose (Sort of salvaging Spinn)

"C'mon, Bil, I know that this is just for show. You got a fifth of Jack in the Family Bible, a fifth of Jag behind the stereo and you think you have a fifth of Jim Bean in the attic, but me and Dolly finished that off last week."Monkey Punch

"Oh no! You've destroyed my Danny Elfman collection!"Monkey Punch

"Don't mind me, I'm just doing another freaking cameo. You know, if any of you other sorry fucks had an ounce of charisma, I wouldn't have to drag my ass through every single strip during sweeps!"Hang Lose

Real butch today, Grandma. I take it you're bar-hopping tonight?Ken

The plumber is coming up the basement stairs and he's going to, quote, fucking tear you a new asshole, unquote.Octophile

Ever vigilant, Bil strove to protect the children from the evils of mayonnaise. There would be no more moist tuna for Jeffy. It was God's will.sman

"Alright, move aside. Cash cow coming through."Helder

Sweet Jesus! What was the expiration date on that mayonnaise?Gen. Sedgwick

"There's gotta be a better way to make margauritas, Bil..."Don Cabron

Bil unwittingly destroyed the entire city's plumbing system when he accidentally poured his Featureless Void in a Can down the kitchen sink.Kai Robinson

"Mom called. She said she'd be late, but there's some leftover oing in the fridge."Heath

It may take a bit longer, but you must admit it's a heck of a lot warmer in here than out by the wood chipper.Yakko

Goldfish heaven my ass! You could have at least flushed the damned thing.Judgement Night

Dress like me all you want. It won't help you nail half the ass I get.Judgement Night

Y'know, that's exactly the sound I thought the Energizer Bunny would make goin' down.Gen. Sedgwick

"Papa Smurf! Nooooooooo!"Monkey Punch (it was so funny the first time)

"A man, a jar, an oing, GNIONARAJANAMA!", From America's Worst Palindromes, 3rd ed.Eric the Black

Sounds like a zucchini covered with K-Y. Does that mean Uncle Roy made bail?Argyle

"You were THAT freaked by a UPS truck? Man, you gotta get a grip Bil!"Bil's Drug Buddy

"God dammit Bil! Do you know how many times I had to put those plaztic zoldierz on Mom's shopping list before she'd finally buy them?"hangtownman

During the infamous McCarthy Comics Purge of 1953, Bil Keane did his part by confiscating known TVA socialist Snuffy Smith's moonshine.Coalcracker

"Going cold turkey on the Meth again this New Year's? Ummm, can I spend January at Gramma's?"Torc.

Bil Keane's family had no idea he was really the masked crimefighter Sewer Urchin until Jeffy walked in one day and saw Bil respond to the famous Oing Signal by diving head-first into the sink.phil

"The faucet has a hard-on?!...Been sniffing Wite-Out fumes at the drawing board again, Bil?"Dave Matthews

"You hear the water running like that, and you STILL don't think there's lead in our drinking water? For Christ's sake, Bil, LOOK AT US!"Dallas

Jeffy opened his mouth to scream a warning, but it was too late. Bil emptied the Red Asterix into the garbage disposal. The plumbing was clogged with poop and assorted psychic objects for weeks afterward.Magus

"I knew the Disney folks would cave! Michael Eisner's on his way over with the 75 large. Where'd you put the jar with the talkin' cricket?" Don Jeffy's kidnap, extortion, and blackmail outfit had a hard time turning a profit with all the family morons on the payroll.Lt. Dan

Le Cirque de Famille was as beloved as Jerry Lewis once pared down to three characters: limp-wristed, mayonnaise-loving Guillaume, insouciant Geoffie, and Guillaume's mayonnaise supplier Roi. Andrea

Nothing's ever NORMAL around you, is it?Mr. ?

"Weird fuckin' exorcism, Dad. Couldn't spring the $15 for a real priest, huh?"Stealth

"One of these days you're gonna have to draw a commode. Now if you're quite through, get outta my way...I'm about to pinch the mother of all loaves."Stan Xhiao

No one minded you storing your urine in jars, but Thel says wearing Kleenex boxes on your feet and building a scale model of the Spruce Goose was the last straw. She's calling a cab.Coalcracker

Got tired of the "balls in a jar" jokes eh, Dad?olfactory boy

Despite Dick Tracy's best efforts, there was insufficient evidence to tie Bil "Hollow Eyes" Keane to the disappearance of Porky Pig's girlfriend, Petunia.Helder

"C'mon, Dad! The paramedic sez he's gotta leave now. Will you please get Mommy's finger outta th' icebox?!?"Sean Q

Dammit, Bil, he was about to give us his Lucky Charms!NME--

Now Jeffy's hair says, "Tell Mom I'm ready for dessert."Namgubed the Merry Elf

"Where's my 1948 Slinky in the unopened box? The man on the antiques show says it's worth $8,000."wrong hero

The mescaline was kicking in hard. I walked into the kitchen, trying to play it cool. "Hi Dad, how's it- whoa, never mind." I turned around fast, before the lizards or the elf in the disposal saw me. I didn't know what Bil was doing but I didn't want it to ruin my trip. He had completely emptied the jar of liquid acid, enough to turn a small stadium full of groupies into snarling lunatics. Baaaad craziness. Later on that night Bil tied Thel up, convinced she was "in with Jesus". Dolly and I had to talk him down, mostly through the help of a judicious quantity of Wild Turkey that seemed to steady his nerves. Before he passed out he drew an extra arm on PJ, convinced it looked better. That was the last time we sold Bil anything stronger than Thai stick. An excerpt from Fear and Loathing on the Playground, Hunter S. Thompson's forthcoming account of growing up stoned.FupDuck

I said flush it, you moron! Don't you think the Feds know how to check the trap for traces?Gen. Sedgwick

Wow. Guess RU486 really does work in the second trimester.Gen. Sedgwick

"Lessee: running water, morose expression, glass, exposed wrists, monotonous music... Please don't just be toying with me again." Crazy Climber

If you believe that Tinkerbell can escape the garbage disposal and evil Cap'n Bill, OING with all your might!Pete

Coming soon in a limited engagement, the Keane Family Players' Mary Poppins. Come out and hear all your favorites including Just a spoonful of soylent helps the methadrine go down, Oh it's a jolly holiday with you, Roy, Hookerlongnecksingletitcookthedogandpolish, and of course Feed the oing, tuppence a jar. Call now, tickets are going fast.Ken

Good news, Pops! Scott Adams dropped his lawsuit! We can finally do that Q-Bert crossover!bobo

Back to the DFC Archive index