DFC #36

Unfortunately, the SWAT team never counted on rutheless drug-lord "Ma Keane" using a small, top-heavy midget as a human shield.Macavity

Please don't lock me in the heat box! I'll be good, I promise!MechaGumby

...and when I told her it looked like her internal reproductive system, the counselor got this funny look on her face and told me to just leave. She didn't even make me give the inkblot back!The Outsider

When Rev. Smith puts his hand there, he keeps moving it around. Should I have him arrested?Tom Klem

So, then Miss Johnson says "Who the fuck do you think you are? Li'l Giger?" So I say, "I am not evil, I am REAL." She shit her pants, I know it.Friend of Tone Csernak, Hungarian stallion

Uh, Mom, remember the *last* time you hugged me like this? Remember the *nice* lady from social services who came by? Do I *have* to call her again?Fork

Okay, okay, just put me down and I'll take your damn copy of The Watchtower!Greg J

Don't look now, Mommy, but that DFC crowd just caught us sharing this tender moment. Should I say "bitch" or something?Greg J

Whoa, what happened? You haven't hugged me like this since they cancelled "Cop Rock."Greg J

Looks like I owe Billy an apology; he was right about your B.O. problem.Greg J

No, it's STILL not working... you'll just have to give me some of daddy's Ex-Lax!Kurt L.

Mom, we can't keep this up forever. Sooner or later, you're going to have to buy me a wheelchair.anon

Cowles Syndicate wouldn't accept ANY of my drawings! And they take ALL of Billy's shit!!Bill Hunter

Trust me, Mommy. No matter how hard you pull, you're never going to get Barfy's shinbone out of my butt!anon

Good grief Mom, use room spray! It smells like something died in here!Rev. Oley

(Say, is it my imagination, or are my kid's breasts getting "perky"?)James Bond

Mom! Would you quit tyring to unhook my bra!Troll Ticket

Uh, mom, do you have to feel me up everytime I draw a picture?Powder

...and then I told Daddy I wasn't the yellow pages, and he had better walk his fingers somewhere else.Roxanne LeReaux

Gee, Mommy, I can feel your breasts, you're squeezing me too hard, and your hand is on my ass. *BURP* Oh, yeah, and perspective, proportion, blah blah blah...anon

Mommy? Who's the naked man coming down the stairs?Toozday

"Oops. You squoze a fart right outta me."Blake

"I think my ponytail is tied too tight. I haven't been able to close my mouth all day."Blake

I'm worried about you, Mom. Most people try to peek down the *front* of my shirt.Paul Roub

Hey, that reminds me, I haven't checked the Nipple Server today.Horselover Fat

So I said "Barfy was family. Shouldn't the charges be incest, bestiality, and necrophilia?" And the officer said Daddy wouldn't be coming home for a long time.Sic Puppy

Oh mommy, you're so loving, warm and understanding! I guess you got new batteries, huh?zazu

Oh, sure, I win the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes, and NOW you say you love me!Capt. phealy

It took you soooo long, but you FINALLY passed the third grade! I'm so proud of you, mommy!Kurt L.

Mommy? Will we both have a heart after the operation?D-Warpo

But I don't wanna go to Gramma's! She always makes me change her diapers!anon

"Glllllllllg!" "Hmmm, maybe the Heimlich is from behind. Wish I'd paid more attention."The Sandman

I'm glad you're back from rehab, too, Mommy - but why delude ourselves? We know you'll be back in there in two more weeks.Craig

I love you, too, Mommy, but could you put me down? You're jamming those mounds of silicone into my tummy.Craig

I'm actually getting off on your boobs. Is that wrong, Mommy?VPD

Mommy! Mommy! Alice the Goon is trying to kidnap me again!tiberius

By the way, I pissed myself at school and didn't have a change of clothing.Frenchy, the toad swallower

I'll be back, and by God I'll be coloring trees whatever fuckin' color I want to!mark t

When did they put those ads up there?Bob Anonymous

Woooo-weee! Lookit that chicken bone fly! Thanks for the Heimlich, Mom!Pompitous

Jeezus, Mom. If you're that cold, close the door. You've almost impaled me on your nipple, here.Pompitous

With a head like this, I could go out for the movie role of Ms. Pac ManKelvin Cabrera-Castellar

I can see your bald spot in the glass, mommy.Crash

Jesus mom, getting my period is NOT that big a deal.Kelvin Cabrera-Castellar

I love you too, mom. By the way, I got expelled from school for drawing swastikas on the blackboard. Heil Hitler!Kurt L.

My Apple stock went down again!panicboy