"I thought 'water wings' were kinda like balloons, but the ones Daddy got us are made out of cement."Mycroft
"I am thoroughly sick of having all my eyes, nose, mouth and ear all on one side of my damn head!"Leonard Da Vinky
"Does anybody ELSE want to compare me to Shamu?"Magus
Just keep holding that breath Jeffy ... I'll get that lifguard to notice my stunning good looks and model-like pout any minute now..Rick L.
New evidence has turned up that the classic representation of Chuthulu may have been wrong. Here is an artist's rendering of how the Unholy Ancient One might appear today.Mr. ?
Whaddaya mean, Playboy hasn't called me back yet!?! LOOK at me! I'm centerfold material, DAMMIT!!!Kurt L.
"Damn it - we travel all the way to Lourdes and I'm still a stumpy melonheaded freak!"hangtownman
"I hate those stupid synchronized swimmers!"Aix
If ya wanna teach P.J. to swim, Daddy, I'd suggest taking him out of his car seat first!Mr. Ben McClellan
Only Bil Kean take his family on a swim vacation... in March... in Minnesota. Hurry up with that ice pick, Jeffy. Billy's air hole has done froze over againBat
Please tell maintenance the rink's thermostat needs to be adjusted.Gen. Sedgwick
You know what this means don't you? Melon heads have a crush depth of less than six feet!Norm DePlume
"Why do I always have to swim in the shallow end of the gene pool?!"Magus
Mother, there's an old man defecating in our pool... and I think I know why the water's always so brown!!!Mr. Fungfung
A young Xena, Warrior Princess dispatches her first enemy. Mr. ?
Dolly's Olympic figure skating dreams are dashed after Bil foolishly books all of her rink time in July.bobo
"Honorable Father, Number Two Son has displeased you and brought shame and grief to our family. I have righted the wrong. Hai!"M
"This is the last time I'm coming to La Brea for vacation!"anon
Not only is your idea of "breeding giant seagulls for revenge" stupid, Bil, but they have crappy aim.Lost in Erehwon
Let me explain why an outdoor Olympic-size bidet is neither erotic nor a good birthday present.Xebec
"I grimaced. As Daddy put more film in the camera, he told me to undo the first swimsuit strap. I knew the pictures would be on the Internet in hours. But how else could we pay Mom's detox bills?" -- from Goodbye, Dolly: Leaving the Keanes Behind by Dolly K. RobinsonCrazy Climber
"But I don't wanna recreate my birth!"M
Thel. Please. Get. Bil. Out. Of. My. Bathing. Suit.Darth Vader, Lord of the Dance
This proves there had to be a much larger hole in The Minnow for it to sink so fast. Call Oliver Stone! I smell a conspiracy!Anastasia
Does anyone else find the phrase "hot and wet" as amusing as Billy did? Anyone?Peon
It's a new technique--ventriliquism flatulance!mommah behr
At one point, Stephen King's disgust with the film industry led him to "Keane Creative," whose adaptation of "The Raft" was less than King had hoped.phil
Turn that music down, Dolly. Take yogurt instead of pudding, Dolly. Don't tie bags of cement to your brother's feet, Dolly. All you do is bitch, bitch, bitch.Ultra-Girl
Jesus Christ Bil! I meant you should wear foot thongs to the pool!Coyote
Olympic Swimmer Barbie, my ass! They shoulda named her Catfish Food Barbie.Gen. Sedgwick
I know it was you, Daddy -- I recognized the boombox from #326!Gen. Sedgwick
Keep yer distance asswipes! As I've already demonstrated on Bil, my ponytail becomes a deadly weapon when wet!Doc Evil
There once was a kid in a pool / whose voice was both cutting and cruel / but the most awful sound / was the time that she found / she was up to her chest in some drool -- From The Big Book of DFC LimericksWestur the Unspeakable
Okay, so now I'm the oldest child, and I want the biggest allowance!Lost in Erehwon
I don't suppose it occurred to any of you morons that Gramma shouldn't go swimming so soon after her stroke?Lost in Erehwon
Cheap bastard. Gluing arms and a back on an old Flexible Flyer does not make a real lounge chair.Gen. Sedgwick
Coming Summer '98..."Splash II" Starring Mindy Cohn and Emmanuel LewisOpie
This sucks! This is the third litter I've had to take care of...can't we do the humane thing and have Kittycat spayed?Opie
It clearly said "Not to be used as a flotation device." Next time pay attention! Oh, and dibs on his room.Gen. Sedgwick
As we can see from his rendition of Scylla and Charybdes, "Bil Keane's Illustrated Odyssey" was a doomed idea from the start.Riff
Jim Henson's Esther Williams & Jaques Cousteau babies.Doc Evil
"What kind of fish are these?"Heath
"So that's why King Features is called a 'syndicate'."Heath
"Yeah, I drowned him. But Billy started it!"JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy
Many years ago, the first Keanes emerged from the primordial ooze, only to discover that other lifeforms were lightyears ahead of them.Magus
Misunderstanding her family's frantic warnings and gesticulations from the pool deck, an irritated Dolly failed to notice the mighty and mysterious whirlpool that had been steadily forming behind her. ***Next week in the funnies!*** Marmaduke is doused in a deluge of urine saturated chlorine water, and a new turn of events baffles Mary Worth when a wet, shivering melonhead suddenly lands on the hood of her car.robocop
PJ isn't a witch.ewhac
Much like the Yeti thas an american cousin Bigfoot, the Scottish Nessy has Melony.twomp
"Mom, Jeffy just went down. Do you still need a reason to kill the sharks in our pool?"Magus
"Hey, don't stare at me! I didn't do it!"anon
So what if he's gone down for the third time? That still leaves him a few thousand times behind Thel.Gen. Sedgwick
Man, El Nino sure can fuck up a sandbox.Gen. Sedgwick
Moooom! Will you please tell that Aquaman dork to stay in his own damn comic?!Mr. Ben McClellan
"Pop quiz, hotshot... your youngest son is two feet tall, and the pool is three feet deep. What do you do? What do you do?Disco Fever. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
[ insert shallow end of the gene pool joke here ]xian, the boy with the monkey heart
Hey! Whoever threw that brick at Billy just got my hair wet!Xebec
See, I told you PJ's not tall enough for the deep end yet.Kyosuke
Mom! There's a Difficult Zone in the pool!anon
"I don't know what you're talking about, Jeffy. I don't see any sniper... Jeffy?"ks
"Mom! Jeffy's bottom-feeding again!"ks
"Anyone else have any smart remarks about my wearing overalls in the pool?"ks
"God damn it! Billy passed out again?! Listen, people, if nobody can sober this bitch up long enough to shoot one lousy little splash-fight scene, I'm off this picture."ks
"Mommy! The primordial ooze is formin' proteins again!"ks
"This sucks. Next time, I get to be James Cameron, and Billy has to be the brutally overworked production assistant."ks
Back to the DFC Archive index