Does this mean that this is a good batch of meth?Anastasia
"Run all you want, but you're not gonna move that Pine Tar Pie through any faster."Heath
Sweaty young children. It brought back Thel's yearning to be a gym teacher again. Of course the law would never allow it.Schmuck
Gruel, corn-jello, Lanacane pie, urinal puck broth and... STOVE TOP STUFFING!Trevita
I never understood the depth of my failure as a mother until the day I put down my cereal bowl, looked up from Oprah, and realized my kids had all imprinted on their older brother. -- from I Once Was Lost But Now I'm Found: A Christian Memoir, by Thelma Keane as told to Anthony Nero, Savior Press, 1997.anon
Around, around the mulberry bush, the monkeys chased the wea-sel....OH, JESUS! I WASTED MY LIFE! I WASTED MY LIIIIIIIIIFE! Trevita
"....a science experiment gone awry endowed the Keane kids with incredible speed, leading them to devote their lives to the pursuit of truth, justice, and freedom from being forced to eat their mother's wolf-meat pie as.....The Melonheaded Blurs!"Ultra-Girl
It's Friday kids! Difficult Zone Night! Would you rather have Barfy or Soylent Green?Vice Pope Doug
It wasn't very nice of Gramma to call you "pathetically pudgy little fucks", but if it motivates you to exercise, I guess it's a good thing!Vice Pope Doug
That's it, children. Jog for Jesus! Yes! Yes, leap over the Burning Bush! That's it! Satan has work for idle hands! SOUND IT OFF! SATAN HAS WORK FOR IDLE HANDS!!!!Trevita
Even as a young lad, Benny Hill would always be chased by half-naked women, angry men and a mysterious bald-headed runt.bobo
Ha-ha! You've just gone above 5.5 miles per hour! Drop below that, and the bomb goes off!Marty Gray
PJ rejoins the race in fourth after chewing out crew chief Thel for the pathetically slow pit stop, hopeful that Billy would overheat so he could at least pick up some points in the series...Tony -No ferriners in racin'- George
Chant LOUDER, my little demonspawn! Great Cthulhu must hear you in his sunken city!anon
Sated by great war victories, the Roman Empire grew soft. Its citizens traded the responsibilities of empire for mindless entertainment. As Rome crumbled, chariot races and gladiators gave way to watching melon-headed children run in small circles.From The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire: A Book Report by Bil Keane
You know, I don't give a damn what you do to yourselves. But I'll rip your hides if you even scratch that antique stool.Tazabby
Well, if you really wanna know, me, Dolly, and Jeffy are as high as kites right now, but P.J. just kinda got sucked into our wake.Agent Todd
Jack Chick Tract #27 (Melonheaded Devils), page 7: "Now, Billy, be sure to remind your father when he gets home from sketching out that Christian Rock Comic that his Masons meeting is at 9:00, and the goat's all ready.*" (*"All Masons are disciples of the DEVIL!"--Genesis 4:17.hippie
The next moment, I was lying on the floor, gasping, blood gushing from my mouth, realizing I'd done another face-plant on the footstool. He loved to show the action setup; he never showed the painful aftermath. From Still Short After All These Years, Philip J. Keane.Owell
Insert flatulence caption here: _________________________________.Owell
"Did you see what I just SAW? Thel has semen on her JAW! bring it on down 1,2,3,4.... 1... 2... 3! 4!" from Favorite Dysfunctional Family Cadences by Major General Billy Keanewombat
The Fourth Annual Keane Family 'Run Til You Vomit'!anondog
"JANE!! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!"...oops, wrong cartoon....Lee Harvey
17 minutes! Dammit, you've only got a 15 minute window! And Jeffy - head down or else you'll trip the sensors!BretttMaverick
"So...looks like some little scamps have been into Daddy's meth lab again."The Interrupting Cow
Thel noticed that Billy was the only one sweating from a few laps around the house. The culling ceremony could procede.Anonywuss
"Look at you. Sweating like a pig, and unable to outdistance your younger siblings, INCLUDING P.J. You're definitely Bil's son alright."anon
I've cut off his escape route, Jeffy. It's payback time! Joe Klein
"Anyone for another heaping bowl o' sugar?"juan valdez
Hold it right there, young man! You're moving entirely too fast! I want that motion line to be dotted! You hear me?!?Joe Klein
"Alright Billy,you should be slick enough now. Go climb in the cannon."jedi mind trip
KEEP RUNNING! The first one to drop spends the weekend with Uncle Roy!Coalcracker
Finish your exercises, and eat your beet soup. Then you will become big and strong, and can conquer Europe for the Fuehrer and the Fatherland! - translated from "Das FamilienZirk" (Hitler's second favorite comic strip, after "Those Damned Jews!")Schickelgruber
Keane family definition of a virgin: Anyone who can outrun all brothers and sisters.Schmo
Only a good democratic round of Musical Stools could decide which lucky football-headed brat could watch Daddy fix the toilet.Trevita
"...good... Now, Simon says go back two cartoons and bother your father again..."Plaid Sports Jacket
Billy missed the sinister intention of "Could you help me with dinner?" --And Then There Were Three: Life After BillyHeath
"You know, kids, head fat is the hardest kind to lose."Heath
"OK, which one of you bastards is uploading pictures from our family album on the SpinnWebe server?"Cerebral cortex for sale
Super Jeffy. Faster than a speeding Grandma. More powerful than Thel's hairspray. Able to leap footstools in a single bound. Yes, its Super Jeffy, strange visitor from another planet whose powers and abilities are far beyond those of mere mortal men. Fighting the never ending battle to escape the Family Circus.Swanee
Will you kids stop running around like that?!?! I almost tripped over your speed lines!Riff
"Vapor trails already? I say goddamn but this is some good shit!"Rich Lather
Keeping in shape to stay ahead of Bil when he's in rut huh? I used to try to run, too. That's when I found out that a hulking, empty-eyed swede can move pretty damn fast when he wants.Stefan Jones
Back to the DFC Archive index