It's time for your present, Bil. Go get the waffle iron, Turtle Wax, and lava lamp.His Imperial Majesty
I got them that new dance tape -- that really popular one -- you know, "The Macaroni". I sure hope they like it ....Vice Pope Doug
I was going to get Billy a football -- but that seems cruel, somehow. Vice Pope Doug
They're such lovely children, each and every one. It's just a shame that none of them will live to see the new year.El Vez
Honey, better do something! Jeffy's mugging P.J. again!Magus, Dark Lord of Captions
I think Mom's promising Dad sex again if he'll play Santa. She does this every year - I always stay up to see the real Santa and end up watching them go at it instead.Super Dave
Jinglehh Bellsshh, Jinglehh, hic! Bellsshh, Jinglehh althe wayy, hic! Mehrry Cchhishmassh, all you, hic! lil elfsh! Up yours Santa, hic! Claushhh!Blaine C
They're all lined up soooo nicely. Get the 12 gauge.shane
A SHADOW for my right foot! How'd you know what I wanted, Rembrandt?!Joe Blow
I don't care how damn touching it looks. No way are we having another, unless you grow a uterus!Joe Blow
Bet they're glad we gave up that Muslim crap NOW!Joe Blow
*Hooooock* putuey!zazu
I can't believe you let Charlie Brown sell you that crappy Christmas tree. "Just needs a little love," my ass!anon
Oh great, you fuckin' goy. My parents are going to be here in hour with stroodle, and you were SUPPOSED to set up our traditional Hanukkah feast. They're going to have a stroke...I knew I should have married that cute lawyer Eddie Eisenstein instead of one of you clueless Methodists!Oy, it's so humid!
Dammit, Bil! You promised to stay out of sight! You know that all the kids wanted for Christmas was for you to be gone. At least let them believe it for one day!Pope Rich
You better act surprised when you open your present from the kids, 'cause they got you book 2 of the home correspondence course: "Light Sources and Shadows: making it all work" and you better fucking read it! Jeffrey L. Nelson
You really are a rat bastard, Bil. As if putting those phony gift certificates from the "Neck Mart" in their stockings wasn't bad enough, you've went ahead and promised Dolly she'd finally go through puberty!--Stefan Jones
For the sake of the kids, could you just pretend you'd rather be with your family on Christmas than felching Uncle Roy in a Fire Island men's room.Jojo the Spiv
Do you think the kids know that they're playing in our 'love juice'?whir
Oh, thankh godh you're hee-ah. The kidth thupergwued my thongue to the wah.jerright
They look happy now, but watch their faces when I tell them this is the last Christmas because Santa died.Coyote
Thanks for the bottle ... uh... I'm going to throw up!anon
Oh dear, I just hope their real father doesn't show up with presents this year! It was so embarrassing trying to explain it to them last time, about how "Santa" always wears a postman's uniform and all that....Sheesh!kafka
Considering that the christmas tree is just an ancient phallic symbol, I'm no surprise the one you bought is already limp and lifeless two weeks before Xmas..Candi Caine
Psst! They'll be busy for hours. C'mon upstairs and show me your "Yuletide Log", big boy!Dave the Fave
Yes, the puppy is under there. I wrapped him last week to make sure.Jack Schitt
The best present you could give me? How about bathing?Anastasia
Of course I got you something. I made you a salmon mousse. It's all for you. No one else is to have any. I made it all for you. Understand?Anastasia
Tell your mother to stand up straight. Her tree costume is drooping.Anastasia
He, he, this is cute. They actually asked me to have real candles on the Christmas tree. Now let's turn on the gas and get the hell out of here.Zebra
Honey, I know a moderate dosage of psychedlics "loosens your creative juices" -- but things can happen. Thing like the levitating stepladder over the square black abyss. This isn't about eclipsing Dali; it's about net income and hefty syndication residuals.Vice Pope Doug
I can't believe that you convinced them they're making toys for Santa instead a toy company in Singapore.The Incorrigible Welshman
It's amazing to me how we feel obligated to buy the kids so much shit every year, all because the Romans nailed some whack-job to a tree!Vice Pope Doug
Good God, Bil, have you no shame?! We're trying to enjoy a normal Christmas and you invite those fucking DFCers in!The Incorrigible Welshman
I tried to give them the same stuff as last year, but it got kicked back from the "Impossible Zone" almost immediately. Vice Pope Doug
The kids want me to thank you for your Christmas present to them; it's not often that they have relatively normal proportions, a fully articulated and realistic background, and stuff!The Incorrigible Welshman
They're innocent children. It's Christmas. Put on some pants, or I call the cops.Vice Pope Doug
Give it another thirty seconds and the star falls right over on Billy. One down, three to go.The Outsider
Isn't that cute? P.J.'s trying to score some acid off of Jeffy. Just like a real musician! Tazabby
Above: a festive holiday mannequin display entitled 'Lower-Middle Class Christmas'.
Photo courtesy of Marshall Fields, Inc.Felix W.
Here's a tip, Bil -- If you wanna feel me up from there, you have to draw my breasts bigger!slacker
Oh my god! We forgot to get Dolly her Fisher-Price vibrator! Oh well! From the look on her face, at least she's happy with the Hickory Farms sausage she got from Uncle Roy.Blaine C
Did you dig up Gramps and put him in the Santa costume yet?Craig Lawrimore
Christ, Bil! You smell like a hippo with a yeast infection! At least put on some deodorant to kill that beer stench. God, what a loser!Blaine C
Of course you'll get that Christmas bonus. I fellated your boss, you ninny!ThreeSwords Delamitri
Another freaking Christmas panel??? Fine, but this time you can clean up when Jeffy shits on the rug and calls it "reindeer poop". Tazabby
Oh, yes, MERRY CHRISTMAS, Honey. There's nothing more cheery than yet another holiday with a drunken adulturous husband, kids who love me only for the expensive presents I buy them, and the hopeless knowledge that next year will be exactly the same. Yes, it is a merry day indeed. If you need me, I'll be hanging from the rafters in the garage.Milo Bloom
"When I show you the Queen of Spades, you will kill them. You will kill them all!"Rockit but don't roonit
Of course your paper's from August. You've been in an alcoholic stupor for four months.Anastasia
I was about to get on the ladder to fix the star when I noticed you sawed the steps neatly in half. You're not going to get rid of me that easily.Anastasia
Give it a rest, OK. The mistletoe taped to your crotch gag is getting oldzazu
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